In an effort to find relief for my Tourette’s

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...and better understand myself, I became involved in the self-development community NXIVM that I later came to understand as deeply harmful and manipulative, and what is now more widely acknowledged as a cult. 

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While finishing my undergraduate degree, I took a semester off on medical leave to participate in their experimental treatment for Tourette's for 6 months, and proceeded to live in their community for three years. In a vulnerable time where I was desperate for something to help my symptoms, I trusted the coaches and leaders of NXIVM implicitly. What started as something that felt supportive quickly became something else. And as I struggled with the confusion that came from being in a manipulative and controlling environment, I thought working harder using NXIVM's curriculum was the answer.

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In 2017, I was able to leave after finding out about some of the dynamics happening behind the scenes. I realized the truth about things that had been reframed to make harmful behavior seem acceptable.

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Upon leaving I became involved with HBO's docuseries The Vow

 

...and after a very intense period of gaslighting and manipulation that made it difficult to trust my own perception of what was happening, I found speaking about my experiences there to be healing and empowering. Though many challenges have continued to present themselves in the healing process, and it doesn't cover all of the difficulties involved, I think The Vow has distilled many parts of my journey with both Tourette's and my time in NXIVM.

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The last few years have been intense and filled with adjusting to the many challenges of leaving a cult mentally and physically, and exasterbated by the ways my experience there and afterwards has been so intertwined with pre-existing conditions.

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Dealing with the extreme stress and complex trauma from being a part of a cult has made it difficult to paint, difficult to feel present while creating, and difficult to feel genuinely connected to art in the ways I was before.

 

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My time in NXIVM changed what creativity looks like for me and how I relate to it.​

 

...I am still learning how to move forward as an artist. But creativity and expression, like art, take many forms, and I am learning how to adjust my expectations of what I think this proccess should look like in this new period of my life and how to honor what I need. 

 

These experiences have shaped my life in more ways than I can express, and I hope to use the knowledge and compassion I've gained to help others on their journeys.