In an attempt to find some relief for my Tourette's, I became involved with the self proclaimed self-help group NXIVM, unaware of the more harmful aspects of its practices and enviroment that have lead to it being more widely understood as a cult.

 

While finishing my undergraduate degree, I took a semester off on medical leave to participate in their experimental treatment for Tourette's and proceeded to live in their community for three years. I was able to leave after finding out about some of the more nefarious things occuring around me that had been lied about, skewed and justified to members.

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Upon leaving I became involved with HBO's docuseries The Vow, and after a very intense period of gas lighting, strategic manipulation, and unhealthy practices, I found speaking about my experiences there to be healing and empowering. Though many challenges have continued to present themselves in the healing process, and it doesn't cover all of the difficulties involved, I think The Vow has distilled many parts of my journey with both Tourette's and my time in Nxivm.

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The last few years have been intense and filled with adjusting to the many challenges of leaving a cult mentally and physically, and exasterbated by the ways my experience there and afterwards has been so intertwined with pre-existing conditions.

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Dealing with the extreme stress and complex trauma from being a part of a cult has made it difficult to paint, difficult to feel present while creating, and difficult to feel genuinely connected to art in the ways I was before. My time in NXIVM has shifted what creativity looks like for me as well as my relationship to my art, and I am still learning how to move forward as an artist. But creativity and expression, like art, take many forms, and I am learning how to adjust my expectations of what I think this proccess should look like in this new period of my life and how to honor what I need.

 

These experiences have shaped my life in more ways than I can express, and I hope to use the knowledge and compassion I've gained to help others on their journeys.